We’ve all been there. You’re running on empty, trying to balance work, family, and endless responsibilities, and someone says, “You should really take better care of yourself.” Cue the eye roll, especially if they have more time, resources and support than you. While their intentions may be good, it can feel not only unhelpful but downright patronising.
There’s often a disconnect when someone in a more comfortable position gives advice about self-care to someone who’s barely getting by. It’s like a billionaire telling a college student, “You should really invest in the stock market.” Thanks, Captain Obvious!
What Does Self-Care Look Like to You?
For those with access to resources, “self-care” might look like booking a massage, signing up for yoga classes, or spending the weekend at a luxury spa. For you, self-care might look like finding five quiet minutes after an exhausting day—or maybe just eating the leftover pizza in the fridge. The gap between two different worlds makes it easy for any advice to feel irrelevant at best and insulting at worst. The intention behind it may be kind but the failure to see the impossibility of their suggestion can be deeply frustrating.
When someone tells you to “take better care of yourself,” it can make you feel invisible, like they don’t truly see what you’re up against. It’s like being in a movie where the lead character is all zen and calm, while you’re just trying to avoid becoming the villain in your own life.
People may not understand the juggling act you’re performing every day, where every minute is accounted for, and there’s little to no room for “me time.” Any advice can seem dismissive of the very real challenges you face, as though your lack of self-care is simply a matter of choice.
This lack of understanding can be emotionally draining. It’s not just that the suggestions are impractical—it’s the feeling of being misunderstood and invalidated in your struggle and without that acknowledgment of your unique circumstances, their words can feel as empty as a well-meaning motivational poster.
How Can I Prioritise Self-Care?
When someone tells you to prioritise self-care, it can leave you feeling like you’re failing at life—like you just dropped the ball at a circus. You may already know you’re not taking as much care of yourself as you’d like, but hearing it from someone who isn’t facing the same constraints can amplify feelings of inadequacy. It can sound like, If I can do it, why can’t you?
But that kind of thinking ignores the reality of different life situations. Maybe they don’t have to worry about childcare, work two jobs, or deal with financial stress. For them, taking an hour for themselves might be as easy as ordering a fancy coffee. For you, it’s a logistical puzzle that doesn’t always have a solution—like trying to find matching socks in a pile of laundry that looks like a mini Everest.
Over time, these interactions can build resentment. Sometimes when people offer self-care advice, it can feel like they’re blind to the very real challenges that make self-care difficult for those without the same support. It’s frustrating to hear advice that, while sound in theory, feels tone-deaf in practice. The resentment can come from the sense that they don’t get it—they don’t get what it’s like to be stretched so thin that there’s no room for rest, let alone indulgence.
Break Free
The key to breaking free from this emotional weight is reclaiming self-care in a way that’s meaningful and accessible to you. Self-care doesn’t have to look like what others say it should. It doesn’t need to be Instagram-worthy or involve a price tag. It can be as simple as setting small boundaries, taking a breath before the next task, or letting go of guilt for not living up to an ideal that doesn’t reflect your reality.Self-care is about survival, not luxury. It’s about finding those tiny, manageable ways to nurture yourself, even when life is chaotic. No one else can define self-care for you, especially those who haven’t walked in your shoes. The truth is, you don’t need anyone else’s version of self-care. You need your own and you get to define what that means to you. Find the little things that bring you even a sliver of peace in your hectic life. At the end of the day, you are the expert on what works for you—even if that means declaring pizza is a food group.
How Kosel Counselling Can Help You with Self-Care
If you need to talk to one of us about learning to prioritise self-care, please get in touch.